How to Help a Friend

When something traumatic happens in our life, we often go to the people we trust the most to share our experience with. You may be that trusted person to someone and they may feel safe sharing their experience with you. Your support to this friend can make a tremendous difference in their lives. Below are a few things to keep in mind when/if someone chooses to tell you about their experience with sexual violence.

Believe Her/Him

Many survivors fear that they will not be believed or that their experience will be minimized as "not important." Simply letting a survivor know that you believe them without judgment and that you stand behind them is a tremendous help. Remember, even if the assault or abuse happened many years ago, the survivor needs to be believed now.

More Listening, Less Talking

Try not to worry too much about "saying the right thing." Being available to listen is far more important. Find time to be alone and in a private place with the victim. Let the survivor know you are there for them when they are ready to talk. Allow them to tell you what happened in their own words, without pressing them for details, interrupting, or asking a lot of questions. Be patient, the incident may be confusing. You may feel nervous about stalls and silences - they are okay - just let them happen. Sometimes it helps just to sit with them in silence. If they need help to continue talking, try repeating back some of the things that they said.

No Shame, No Blame

Reinforce to the survivor that it is not their fault. Sexual assault is NEVER the victim's fault. Avoid questions that seem to blame the victim such as 'Why didn't you scream?" and "Why did you go to their room?" It is impossible to judge their actions in that situation because no one knows what they would do in their place. They did whatever they had to do to survive. Allow the victim to talk out feelings of self-blame, but help them to see that only the perpetrator is responsible for their choices and actions.

Validate their Feelings

Surviving a traumatic event such as sexual violence changes the way someone may think, feel, and behave. She or he may appear either calm or very emotional. Both extremes are possible and normal reactions. Healing from sexual assault presents survivors with a myriad of feelings. Your loved one has every right to each of their unique feelings. Also, attempted rape can be just as traumatic as a completed rape, so treat any sexual assault victim with the same care and concern.

Express Your Anger in a Controlled Manner

It is okay for you to feel angry about what happened, however, your loved one has likely experienced her rape as violent and out of control. Expressions of heated anger will likely make her feel further out of control. Keep in mind that the survivor is struggling with their own feelings of anger, shame, guilt and if you are so consumed with anger, it takes away focus from what the survivor needs.

Help the Survivor Regain Control

During a sexual assault, power and control is taken away from the survivor at a very fundamental level; the control over their own body. Allowing her/him the freedom to make their own decisions, can help the survivor regain a sense of control. So instead of telling the survivor what to do, assist them by presenting options and resources for them to make the decision that is right for them. Choices such as whether to report to the police, seeking counseling or whom to tell about the assault should be left up to the survivor. It is up to you to support them in whatever decisions they make, even if you do not agree.

Encourage Medical Attention

Victims of sexual assault are at risk for internal injuries (which may not be immediately apparent), sexually-transmitted disease, and unwanted pregnancy. As a concerned friend you may want to encourage the survivor to seek medical attention to make sure they are okay.

Maintain Confidentiality

The survivor has entrusted you to share their experience with, but your loved one may not want others to know about what happened to them. Always ask their permission before telling others that they were assaulted. Respect the survivor's privacy and confidentiality.

Educate Yourself

Read books about sexual violence, educate yourself about the wide range of emotional responses to sexual assault, the prevalent and harmful rape myths that keep victims silent, the impact on our communities when someone is sexually assaulted. If you educate yourself, you'll be better prepared to help your loved one heal from their experience and maybe even challenge others who are misinformed about the impact of rape.

Take Care of Yourself

Talking to someone about sexual violence can be difficult. Remember, you have also been affected by this crime and its impact on your loved one. Take the time that you need so that you can better help your loved one. Counseling and support services are also available for partners, family and friends of survivors. A counselor can also give you information on how to help your loved one.

Ideas of Things to Say

• Can I do anything to make things better for you right now?
• I'll support you no matter what you decide to do.
• It takes a lot of courage to talk about your experience. I am glad you told me.
• There is no right or wrong way to respond...you are doing the best you can.
• I understand you feel like this is your fault, but for what it's worth, I know that you didn't do anything to deserve this. I know it's not your fault.
• We will get through this together.

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